September 29 Draft

At times when I feel good, but not quite as in the old days, when I was to naive to see it all, to be grateful at all, but we never know what is to come, so in a way, I'm grateful to my old self for being so naive and carefree. 

I thank her for taking her body for granted, cause she never knew this would be her future.

I now get to grief my old self and the future that died with her. I have to create new dreams that will be shaped around my illness.

On those days, I’m grateful to be, to exist.

The future looks both promising and uncertain.

Big dreams seem possible, and monotony feels impossible, like a heavy weight on my heart, like pain in my body,

The only constant it has ever known.

Watching my self slip away, deteriorating not by time but by an illness unknown to me, out of my control, it is an interesting experience to have.

I grief the girl I can be that, will never be.

I celebrate the girl I am everyday.

I wonder if my future will know people she will get to love before she went away.

I wonder if my future lover will get to meet the girl I’ve always been, the girl I always get to hold.

I wonder if they will get to know her before she fades away.

It is with a mix of emotions I write this.

Not with sadness, reader.

But life it’s just that.

Multilayered.

That’s the pain and beauty of it.

Naily-